Episode Transcript
I want to check in with you if you are already a champion in putting yourself first in your life! If you are, feel free to skip this episode and congratulations. And if you are not there yet, then join me in looking at 5 areas in your life where you could prioritize yourself more without hurting anyone.
I´ve got a question for you. Do you want to come second in your life? I think the answer is pretty clear when we talk about winning in something: No! Who wants to come second? Of course, we want to win. We don’t train, practice and sacrifice hours, days, and months to come second. That is just ludicrous.
So how about putting yourself first in your life. Do you do that the same as you want to win the first prize at a competition? Do you prioritize yourself before anyone else in your life? I am sure some of you will say: No, I don’t always prioritize myself. Maybe you are someone who has never prioritized yourself in your whole life. Then this episode is for you.
※ LET ME START OFF WITH 3 BELIEFS THAT ARE VERY COMMON IN OUR SOCIETY ※
- “A parent should prioritize their children and their well being before anything else.”
- “For a happy relationship make sure to prioritize your partner and his or her needs.”
- “If you want to build a career, you should prioritize the success of the company that provides you with this career.”
Right, which one of these resonated most with you. Oh, at least one of them will. There are hundreds more where they come from: Beliefs and sayings on where we should put our priority in our lives. And they all tell us to put our priority on everyone and everywhere else but ourselves. There are not a lot of billboards saying: You do you and don’t put others first!
Sadly not, but we are going to change it today. So let’s talk about the elephant in the room: If I prioritize myself I am selfish or I will be seen as selfish. I can’t have that! Ok, ok, I get it – this is a very normal reaction. AND prioritizing yourself in the right way with the right values and intentions has nothing to do with being selfish.
So, let’s look at five areas where prioritizing yourself more, would help you and everyone around you:
1. CREATE A SPACE IN YOUR LIFE WHERE YOU ARE PRIORITY NUMBER 1
If you are not living for yourself but just for others, you are likely to not have many hobbies or pastimes that are just for you. You probably would argue with me that you have a very busy life with work, family, kids, and demanding but lovely friends. And so on and so on.
So where is your time? When and where can you be yourself and truly enjoy yourself?
By not creating a minimum of one space that is solely for you, you are giving across the message to everyone around you that your time is up for grabs – available to be taken. People will always take more if they have the possibility. Nobody will come riding into your life on a white horse and will grant you a few hours of ME time. Nope, you have to give it to yourself.
You are a person! Like everyone around you that you usually take care of, you are your own person. You deserve to fulfil your needs and not just everyone else´s.
Find something in your life that you are passionate about and take time each day or week to spend on it. And don’t you dare give it up for someone else. When people see that you are serious about this, they will stop thinking that you are there for them 24/7 and might be more respectful of your time. Start small, but start now!
2. DON´T BE JUST AN OPTION FOR SOMEONE WHO YOU SEE AS A PRIORITY
If this resonates with you, I bet you will have someone in your mind very quickly. Let me ask you this: Is there someone in your life that you make a priority but they don’t make you a priority in their lives? For them, you are just an option? In other words: Can you rely on this person to step up when needed in the same way you step up for them?
I know this will be tough to think about! But hear me out: They are not doing this to you. You are doing this to yourself. You have a choice here: You can stay where you are and feel again and again resentful, angry, frustrated, and used by this person. Or you can make yourself the priority instead of this other person. And what it means is that this person becomes an option for you – like you are just their option.
And no, you are not being mean. Have they not been treating you like that for the last months, years or even decades by making you just the option? It is time to step up for yourself and take your time and energy back. Remember, you deserve this. This is your birthright as a beautiful and powerful human being. You are not lesser than anyone else in your life. Please stop treating yourself that way. If you can start treating yourself as the priority number 1 others will do, too!
3. YOU CAN’T POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP
We all know the instructions you hear from the steward at the start of the flight: In case of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help anyone else. Using this to remind you to make yourself a priority might sound a bit lame, but it is still true.
You are so much more capable of helping others in your life when you feel good. You can hold space for others and are more compassionate if you hold this space and compassion for yourself first. And you are so much more resilient and patient with whatever life throws at you if you took the time to self-care and build up energy and strength first.
We are told to look after our health, our bodies, and our mental health. At the same time, we get judgy comments when we take too much time for ourselves. Comments like: “So what are your kids doing while you spent a weekend away?” or “Oh, your poor spouse needs to stay alone at home while you go and take some time for yourself.”
I personally am a big fan of taking proper time out from your life to be with yourself (Episode 2). That means leaving the home so you don’t end up taking care of the household on your holiday – and going all by yourself, with no one else that you can use to distract yourself. This might be a step too far for you, so think about the options that you have:
Where can you book in time to take care of yourself? What brings you lots of joy? What refuels your energy? Don´t do it sporadically, maybe once every few months. No, book it in regularly. That way you can make sure that your cup is full all of the time.
4. TRY TO GET RID OF YOUR PEOPLE-PLEASING HABIT
Sure, it’s nice if people are pleased with us – but does it have to be everyone and at all times? No, not at all. If we would be better at prioritizing ourselves, and putting our health and wellbeing before others, we would automatically start to care less about other people being pleased with us or not.
This is an area that I developed in the last year AND still have a long way to go. I feel so much more well balanced and content in my life since I started caring less about what people might think about me. And the biggest learning that got me to this stage was that if somebody is not happy with what you said or done, then most of the time it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. I am not responsible if I triggered someone else.
And at the same time, I learned to look more inside of myself when I get triggered or upset with what people say. I started to learn that this is a message to look inside of myself and try to locate why this has made me upset. There is a reason, a memory in my past that was triggered. The other person is mostly just the messenger.
I can go into all of that a bit deeper in another episode (Episode 17). This has helped me big time to break my habit of pleasing people – like I said, to a degree – there is still room for improvement. I realized it is more important I am happy with myself instead of bending over for others. It has already been a revolution and has given me so much more energy and contentment back in my life.
5. DON´T LOSE YOUR REAL SELF IN THE “DO, DO, DO” MENTALITY.
Now, we are coming to the area of self prioritization that literally describes me. I am writing this next paragraph for myself and you if you are like me.
Given how we are living our busy lifestyles nowadays, it is easy to fall into the cycle of “go, go, go”. You live your life along with a never-ending to-do list. And as soon as you complete one thing, you need to move on to the next thing. And you can hardly ever stop and take a breath. Does that sound like you? Well, it is me to the T. And yes, I am working on it as it is not healthy.
What happens when we are in the “do, do, do” mentality is that we collect achievements to prove to ourselves and others that we are useful and have worth. But we hardly ever stop to experience what makes all of this hard work worth it to us. We may sacrifice our interests altogether or stop enjoying personal connections that make us feel like ourselves.
In doing so, we give up aspects of ourselves and the people close to us also miss out on really experiencing us. It’s like losing ourselves, who we truly are, and trying to replace it with external usefulness to everyone in our lives – our partner, our children, our parents, our boss. But we never can do enough to feel whole and happy. It’s because we are not focused on our real selves but just keeping up the mask we are portraying to the outside world. (Episode 4)
All of these 5 areas are powerful but one or two of them will speak more to you than others. If we could all learn to put ourselves first, we would all live in more harmony and compassion with each other.
And last but not least, one of the books that helped me prioritize myself more and to learn how we self-sabotage ourselves without even knowing is “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks. This book gave me fantastic ideas on what to look out for and to look more out for myself.
