Episode Transcript
My friend asked me recently if I could talk about imposter syndrome and what the root cause of it is. She was recently on a weekend workshop on that topic and what she got out of it was how to deal with imposter syndrome – but not where it originates from. So I agreed to investigate this further and look at the root causes. Stay tuned to find out more.
Let me start by saying that I am not going to explain imposter syndrome in itself because I am not an expert. And having read a few resources on it, I don’t think it is necessary for this episode’s intention. Imposter syndrome seems to be a description of a collection of other traits, behaviours and thought patterns that have always been around.
It might need a new description that fits more to the world we are living in today. I am not the biggest fan of the description in itself as the words imposter and syndrome have already strong associations – but, hey, I did not create the word and I can’t change anything about it.
For us to be able to look at the root causes we can look at the other descriptions like self-doubt, lack of confidence, questioning yourself and so on. I feel more at home with these occurrences than the description of imposter syndrome. So we are just leaving this description as it is and looking behind the curtain.
I see 3 things happening under the umbrella of this description and we are going to talk through each of them. There for sure are other variables depending on the individual person but these are the 3 that I can clearly identify and that I resonate with myself because I had these kinds of feelings and thoughts before in my life.
※ SELF-DOUBT: QUESTIONING OUR ABILITY ※
Let’s start by looking at self-doubt. Self-doubt happens when we lack confidence in ourselves, and in our capabilities to do or achieve certain things. We feel uncertain if we can follow through or reach a goal we set ourselves and we question if we are really able to do what we said we are going to do.
A very typical example is applying for a job that is a step up on the career ladder. Self-doubt can appear before or during the interview, it can appear when we got the job and are about to start it. Questions could sound like this:
Am I really cut out for this job?
Who am I to deserve this promotion?
It could be statements like: They will find out very soon that I am just a fraught and am not ready for such a big job.
They better give the job to somebody who is more together than me, because I can’t do this.
※ FEAR AND WORRY PLAY A BIG ROLE IN SELF-DOUBT ※
Fear of being found out, worry when they will find out. And the fear of failure because we overestimated our capabilities. And the worry about what people will say when you do ultimately fail. I have had thoughts like this before when I went for new jobs or when I was responsible for a new project. I feel like a certain amount of self-doubt is not dangerous or harmful. (Episode 12 and 30)
I remember having thoughts and feelings like this but they never held me back. In the end, to do it anyway. I am not a trailblazer and went after super high goals, so maybe I always played it safe but I am glad that self-doubt never stopped me from going after what I wanted.
I can imagine that it can be heavy and hugely hindering in going for your dream or even taking any actions. So much energy is spent on these self-doubting questions, the worst-case scenario building in your head and all these low vibrating feelings that pull you down.
If we look at it from the outside, if we put ourselves into the shoes of a person standing next to us, we can see that all of this is happening in our own heads. All of it is created in our minds and heightened by these emotions that take away our energy. If we can first of all accept that this is not someone else that is doing this to us, just ourselves, we can take a step back from it, take some distance from the self-doubt and look at it from a more objective viewpoint. That is a great first step!
※ GROW BACK CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF TO BEAT IMPOSTER SYNDROME ※
Now, if you look closely at this self-doubt you are hopefully able to reason with yourself and release these thoughts and feelings and grow back confidence in yourself. While looking at self-doubt you might discover reasons for it. This might be when you first started to doubt yourself ever in your life which is valuable information for you. You might be able to leave it behind altogether if you can find the cause of it. It is for sure not necessary to find the root cause in our past for overcoming self-doubt but it helps.
The causes of self-doubt can vary from person to person. It could come from past experiences or mistakes that you made that are still stuck with you. You might still have a lot of emotions associated with the event that’s why it still impacts you so much today. We talked about this in other episodes that you want to let go of the emotion and start to learn from the experience instead of being stopped by it.
Another cause could be in your upbringing and what you might have been told as a child by your parents or teachers. You might still hold something they said as a belief inside of you that you can now let go of.
※ “A HABIT THAT CAN CREATE SELF-DOUBT IS COMPARING YOURSELF WITH OTHERS.” ※
We all do it, it’s a mechanism of our mind to make sense of the world around us. But there are various degrees of comparing and if you focus too much on comparing yourself to others, you might just focus on what you don’t have or what others can do better. You ignore all the good capabilities and talents that you have and put all your attention on the lack. No surprise that you will be starting to question yourself more.
And another cause for self-doubt is if we are faced with a new challenge. This is the usual place where self-doubt comes up for most of us. The uncertainty and ambiguity of the situation make us step out of our comfort zone and we might question ourselves. Like I said before, this is completely normal as long as it does not stop you from moving forward and overcoming self-doubt.
Creating awareness in situations of self-doubt and putting some distance between yourself and what is currently happening will give you the chance to turn the ship around and let go of these thoughts and feelings. And if you tried it before but you cannot stop from self-doubting yourself on a regular basis, then ask for help. A trusted person will be able to give you the objective perspective that you might be lacking and can help you to see what is really true and what is just being created in your head.
※ BEING UNDESERVING: A BELIEF THAT CREATES IMPOSTER SYNDROME ※
The second trait that I see in imposter syndrome is the belief of being undeserving of achievements and success. Even if the achievement or the success has already been reached, a person can have thoughts and feelings that they don’t deserve it. This is quite often followed by the fear of being found out but let’s stick with the belief that they don’t deserve what they have already reached.
Again there can be lots of reasons why you don’ feel deserving of certain things in your life like happiness, love, a relationship and so on. These reasons again can originate from past experiences in your life or childhood. But if we stay with the undeserving of success and achievement which appears predominantly with the imposter syndrome then we can say that the person has a highly critical self-imagine.
“THEIR IMAGE OF THEMSELVES IS DISTORTED TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE WOULD SEE THEMSELVES IN THE SAME SITUATION.”
If you are a person with a critical self-image and the belief that you are undeserving of success then you might think that everyone else is better than you. You judge yourself very strongly on any previous mistakes you made. You have impossibly high standards for yourself.
Maybe you did not reach your standard of perfectionism and therefore you don’t deserve this success. You might create an imbalance between previous achievements and failures and you outweigh the failures and create an image of yourself always failing.
So when you do achieve success, you start to self-sabotage yourself with the belief that you don’t deserve it. First of all, you harm yourself with these thoughts and feelings that you have. But you might as well harm the success that you just achieved.
※ SELF-SABOTAGING THE SUCCESS YOU ALREADY ACHIEVED ※
The belief of being undeserving can stop you from taking action, you might procrastinate and again self-sabotage what you just achieved until it is even taken away from you or you lose it. If that happens, your belief has become true again and you can say to yourself: See! I was right, I failed again.
This belief of undeserving can come from feelings of unworthiness. Similar to self-doubt you want to look at what’s behind it, look at it objectively. Ask yourself if you would ever say these kinds of words to your best friend? If the answer is no then you should not do it to yourself either. Find some balance again in your life and celebrate your achievements. Be proud of your talents and strength – like you would be proud of your best friend. Try to be your best friend yourself!
※ SECONDARY GAIN: UNCONSCIOUS BELIEF YOU HAVE THAT STOPS YOU ※
The third part that plays a role for me in imposter syndrome is secondary gain. Let me explain what that actually means and how this can hinder you from achieving your goals and dreams. To put it simply, a primary gain is one we’re conscious of and a secondary gain is generally unconscious.
The term is often applied in relation to an illness. The primary gain from going to the doctor would include getting a diagnosis and being treated. The primary gain from telling people about your sickness might include informing friends about why you’ve been isolated or even finding out if they’ve gone through what you’re experiencing. With the primary gain, we have an intentional, conscious agenda.
With the secondary gain, we’re unaware that we’re wanting and getting something more from an interaction. For example, we may go from doctor to doctor because it fills our time or makes us feel special being so difficult to diagnose (secondary gain). In secondary gain, we don’t realize that what we really want is to meet some unconscious unmet need. For example, we may complain to friends about awful symptoms because their listening to us makes us feel cared about.
※ NOW LET’S LOOK AT AN EXAMPLE OF SECONDARY GAIN IN CONNECTION WITH IMPOSTER SYNDROME ※
Let’s say Anna is talking about applying for a leadership role in her organization for a while now. She has been in her role in middle management for quite a few years and it would be the right time for her to take the next step. She has talked about it with her supportive boss but when it comes down to applying for actual jobs coming up, she questions her capabilities and always finds a reason in the job description why she would not get the role anyway.
So where is the point of applying for it? She is holding herself back out of fear of failure which is the primary gain. She does not want to be disappointed when someone else gets the job and she fails. That is understandable and at the same time hindering her from moving on and getting the promotion she deserves.
※ WHAT WOULD A SECONDARY GAIN LOOK LIKE IN THIS SITUATION? ※
It could be the fear of being seen, the fear of becoming a successful leader in the company that everyone is looking up to. By not applying for any of these roles, Anna receives the gain of not being seen, of not becoming a leader that everyone looks up to. This is a very common secondary gain in the area of business.
People keep themselves small and don’t become more successful because they are in fear of the exact thing they are telling everyone they want to achieve. If you don’t know about this fear and the secondary gain that you are getting from keeping yourself small then it will be very difficult for you to overcome it. That’s why I wanted you to become aware of the concept of secondary gain.
So we looked together behind the curtain of imposter syndrome and the 3 parts that are important to find your root cause. I hope these explanations help you if you are battling with them.
And before I close this episode I want to share with you a statement I read the other day from Steven Bartlett that fits perfectly to this topic: “You wouldn’t plant a seed and then dig it up every few minutes to see if it has grown. So why do you keep questioning yourself, your hard work and your decisions? Have patience, stop overthinking and keep watering your seeds.” Check out Steven’s book to find out more about how he sees success: Happy Sexy Millionaire.
