Episode Transcript
In last week’s episode, we looked at what forgiveness really means. If you already listened to that episode you know now that you can set yourself free by forgiving. In today’s episode, we want to look at how we forgive ourselves which can be that much harder. Let’s get started!
As we talked about what forgiveness means and how important it is for your health and happiness in the last episode, I am not going into this again. So if you missed that, make sure you listen to that episode either before this one or straight after this one. Either is fine. I just want to make sure you have all the details on forgiveness.
When it comes to forgiving ourselves we can be quite hard on ourselves. We are so much more critical of ourselves than we are of others. That’s why I made a list of really great ways how you can bring about forgiveness for yourself and if you are struggling with this topic, please try out all of them.
※ THE EMOTIONS OF NOT FORGIVING YOURSELF ※
It is so important for you to let go of those emotions that might make you feel stuck in a position where you just cannot let go and forgive yourself. So let’s talk for a minute about these emotions. When it is about forgiving someone else, the emotions can be anger, frustration, sadness, upset, disappointment, and many many more – all depending on the situation, right?
When we are in a situation where we struggle to forgive ourselves, the dominant emotions that we feel are guilt and shame. When we make a mistake, consciously or unconsciously and we hurt someone, and we realize that we made a mistake, we feel guilty. Feeling guilty at this moment is actually helpful as it makes us realize that we are in misalignment with our values and who we want to be. So feeling guilty means we are already in the realization that we either did something wrong or something happened and we had some influence on that.
※ NOT FORGIVING YOURSELF IS CHOOSING A LIFE OF GUILT AND SHAME ※
But if we keep feeling guilty we are not helping ourselves by learning the lesson from the mistake and moving on. And what can happen is that we move into feeling shame for what has happened. Where guilt had a purpose to make us aware of the mistake, the feeling of shame has no purpose. Sadly this can happen if we keep reliving the memory of the event and keep judging ourselves for our wrongdoing or lack of doing.
So choosing not to forgive yourself is really choosing a life of guilt and potentially shame. And thankfully we are going to cover now how we are getting ourselves out of these emotions and begin to forgive ourselves.
Whatever it is that you cannot forgive yourself for, please know that it is always time to move on and forgive yourself. You might think approaching your life through the worst thing you’ve done buys you some extra points, and makes up for it, but it doesn’t. That’s not how the universe works. Rather try out some or all of the following steps to help you overcome yourself.
※ 6 WAYS TO FORGIVE YOURSELF ※
1. DISCONNECT THE MISTAKE FROM YOUR IDENTITY
The first powerful way to help you to forgive yourself is to disconnect the mistake that you made from your identity. Because it was us who made the mistake and not someone else, we associate ourselves more with the mistake. We can even begin to believe that’s who we are, that this is part of our personality.
I want you to remember and reason with yourself that it was a mistake. If you saw no wrongdoing in what you did we would have another discussion here – but then you would not even listen to this episode. Because you feel already regret or guilt means that this mistake is not who you are.
So you want to put some distance between your personality and the mistake [Episode 45]. Watch your language when you might talk about it to others or yourself in your head. How do you speak to yourself? [Episode 29] Make sure you are not making declarative statements like “I am this person” based on this one mistake. You are not. So disconnect the mistake and the event from your identity.
2. OWN YOUR MISTAKES
Sometimes we try to make ourselves feel better by trying to find fault in someone else or the circumstances. If it would work, you would not still struggle to forgive yourself. Make sense, right? If you truly believed it was someone else’s fault or could not have done anything else, you would be at peace with yourself.
If you are not at peace yet, then stop finding the fault outside of yourself and just own the mistake. Owning up to the mistake entirely means you are in full power and energy and can actually move on. If you keep trying to find a solution or eventuality outside of you, you are not in your full power.
So own your mistake and see it for what it is. It’s part of your evolution. You know the old saying that we learn out of mistakes. So let’s do that instead!
3. JOURNAL EXERCISE
That brings me to the next way you can move towards forgiving yourself. Sometimes we don’t see the lesson in a mistake until we put some distance to it. So how about getting it out of your head and on paper? I ask you to journal the thoughts, beliefs and feelings that you have about the situation. And answer the question: What have you learned from the mistake? Given that you already realized that you made a mistake and that you feel like you can’t forgive yourself, means you already learned something from it.
By writing it down, you gain a new perspective and you might find some new insights into why you are struggling to move on from this situation. I feel sometimes that holding discussions in my head feels very unproductive and not helpful. So getting them all out on paper helps me to see the bigger picture, connections and new perspectives. So try it out!
4. CONDITION YOUR BODY TO THE FEELING OF FORGIVENESS
Imagine or remember a situation where you experienced forgiveness. You can think of both situations – you either are receiving forgiveness and you are forgiving someone. Either one applies to you as you are looking to forgive yourself – so you play both roles. Feel into the feeling of forgiveness and try to stay in it as long as you can. That way you are getting your body used to feeling it which will help you on your journey of forgiving yourself.
It’s good to practise for your body to get used to these kinds of emotions and the more often you feel them the stronger they get which will just help you to create forgiveness for yourself when you are ready.
5. APOLOGIZE
It might be necessary for you to apologize in some form to move on and forgive yourself. And this apology can be in any way you feel right for you. If you are ready to move on towards a more happy life and you get the instinct that this is going to help, then get it done.
You either apologize to the person involved. And once you do you can move on. You don’t need their forgiveness – you want your forgiveness.
Or if it is just with yourself, how about you write an apology letter to yourself? The same as with the journal exercise, writing it down and getting it out of your head can help with letting go of the emotions of guilt or shame.
6. LOVE YOURSELF
And the last way for you to forgive yourself is to focus and increase your self-love [Episode 11]. We are so much more critical of ourselves than others. We let others make mistakes and forgive them, but then when it comes to us making a mistake – nope – we can’t let that happen. So how about you see yourself as your best friend who has made that mistake and they ask for your forgiveness? What would you say to them? Can you turn those kind and caring words around to yourself?
You know, we will give other people the benefit of the doubt but won’t cut ourselves some slack. You still have quite a few more years ahead of you – you and yourself – so how about putting your focus on loving yourself a bit more? Be more compassionate and kinder to yourself.
I have worked on self-love for a while now and I can tell you that it helps with increasing kindness to myself. In the past, I was very hard on myself and did not really allow myself to make mistakes. But I moved on and realized that there is just not much of a point to it. I rather chose myself and my joy, peace and freedom now.
So set yourself free by loving yourself more. That is the key!
